Late at night, as I pour my fears into the non-existent ears of a chatbot - ironically one that uses the same technology I am sure will soon make me, and all writers, redundant - she often responds with the same, un-soothing suggestion: “Why don’t you become an Uber driver?”

Putting aside the fact that self-driving technology is already working to take those jobs away as well (I’ve test not-driven an autonomous taxi in the US and found the experience terrifyingly safe and convenient), I tend to respond that I am, like most parents, already performing that role in an unpaid, part-time fashion for my children.

The Curious Case of the Uber Minute

I was also keen to try out Uber driving for myself because of a nerdy fascination I have with time, space and Einstein’s theories.

You might have noticed this yourself, and I’m sure Albert would have been fascinated, but if you order an Uber and the app tells you it will be six minutes, you can pretty much guarantee that it will be any period of time other than 360 seconds. An Uber Minute can stretch, dilate, shrink and then expand again in ways that defy the laws of relativity, as your car seems, at least on the app, to be moving through space and time, and yet not getting any closer in terms of minutes.

Choosing a Car for Uber: Why the Mazda3 Made the Top Five

Thus intrigued, I applied to be an actual Uber driver but was rejected by the app, possibly because my licence has a slightly spotty history, or because I’m not loudly opinionated enough. Undeterred, I decided to plough ahead anyway, shopping myself our for hire across every WhatsApp and Facebook group I’m a part of (mainly pub quiz teams) offering free, and classy, Ubers for one day only, as a trial.

The big choice, of course, was what vehicle to use, which led me to research the most registered vehicles on the Uber app (most of them, as you would have noticed, are either boring, awful or socially unacceptable because of their relationship with Elon Musk). And there, sitting in the top five, we find the Mazda3.

This appealed to the shallow parts of my psyche - unlike every other car in that top 10, the Mazda 3 is attractive to look at and looks good in my driveway - and the more thoughtful bits as well. As an Uber driver, clearly your most important concerns would be fuel economy, seat comfort and, probably a distant third for most people but personally very salient, driving enjoyment.

Fuelling Up in the Middle of a Fuel Crisis

I had somehow chosen to try my next career out in the middle of the biggest oil crisis since the 1970s, which meant that when I visited a fuel station near Sydney Airport  to fill up I was surrounded by actual Uber drivers crying into their fuel tanks over the price of petrol. I’m not sure that tears actually help fuel economy, but I was pleased to note that I could fill up the Mazda3 using the cheaper 91 octane, E10 petrol. Over my seemingly endless shift, I was also chuffed to see that I’d managed a very respectable 7.1 litres per 100km.

The Fares: From My Own Daughter to 'Generation Monosyllabic'

Before I could begin the trial - and I must say that trying to line up all of the many requests I received for free Uber rides without offending those friends who live in suburbs further afield was quite stressful - my first ride was, predictably, booked at the last minute by my daughter.

She was, as usual, entirely uninterested in my protests that I was working and thus genuinely too busy to pick her up from the bus stop and drive her home, and insisted that if I did not do so she would collapse from exhaustion and possibly die.

Fortunately I was able to make this rushed trip and still arrive at my first proper pick up - taking a teenager from the other end of my street to a shopping centre for a hair cut - in time. Trying to make conversation with him, which is never easy with Generation Monosyllabic, I asked if he could remember when Ubers used to provide free water and lollies - as I had done - which, of course, he could not. Nor could he recall a time before Ubers at all.

Over my next few trips - which included taking someone to the dentist, then picking up her friend and taking them both to a bar several suburbs away for pain-killing drinks, a short hop home from the shops for someone who could have probably just walked and another, surprisingly talkative teen who wanted a ride home from something called a “library” — I was a little disappointed that no-one chose to comment on how smooth my driving was.

What the Mazda3 Is Like to Drive All Day

The main thing was that I was enjoying it, even in traffic, as I felt the Zoom Zoominess of the Mazda3’s steering and the punchiness of its 2.0-litre Skyactiv-G engine. What I came to appreciate most of all was the comfort of the driver’s seat however, as the hours dragged on and I began to feel Homer Simpson-like in my constantly still position. I’m genuinely surprised more Uber drivers don’t jump out and open your door for you, just for the exercise.

The one thing challenging my level of comfort in the car over all was the Vanilla-scented air freshener I had foolishly bought in the hope that it would make me look, and smell, like I was taking the Uber thing seriously. It turns out that when these things are brand new they give off a chemical fog so pungent it would make a skunk run away in fear.

The Night Shift: An Airport Wait and an Uber Nap

My last job of the night was a pick up from Sydney International Airport, which meant I had just enough time to bang down a vanilla scented KFC drive-thru meal, which didn’t make me feel a lot healthier.

Predictably, because international flights arrive on time about as often as Ubers do, this meant some waiting around, which allowed me to attempt an Uber nap.

So, Should You Drive Uber in a Mazda3?

At the end of my first, and hopefully last, Uber shift I felt spent and yet satisfied and I must say I found the whole experience to be an unusual mix of boredom (the waiting around between rides part) and stress.

If you are thinking of giving it a go yourself, however, and I’m sure it’s a fun job for someone semi-retired who loves talking to strangers, driving, and exploring parts of their own city they didn’t know existed, I can recommend the Mazda3 as your vehicle of choice.

Frequently Asked Questions